Domestic abuse

Signs of an abusive relationship include:

Controlling behaviour

• demanding to know where a victim has been, what they have been doing, and who they have been talking to
• stopping the victim from seeing friends and family

Psychological abuse

• constant criticism aimed at the victim or their abilities as a partner or parent
• gaslighting
• bullying or intimidating the victim

Physical abuse

• punching, shoving, slapping, kicking, biting, spitting
• threatening the victim or their children with these actions

Sexual abuse

• rape, sexual assault, sharing sexual images without consent

Financial abuse

• not letting the victim spend money for things they (and the children) need
• not letting the victim have a job
• forcing the victim to hand over money
• stealing from the victim

People who carry out domestic abuse believe that they are entitled to behave in this way. Their behaviour is about power and control rather than a lack of control.

Control is enforced through unwritten rules

These are rules that the victim/survivor is expected to follow, for example who they see, what they wear, who they speak to, how they care for the children.

Challenge

These are the acts of resistance from the victim/survivor, such as showing love and affection to the children or keeping in touch with family and friends. These acts could happen in secret, or eventually the victim/survivor could lash out and hurt their abuser as an act of challenge or resistance.

When this happens, practitioners need to stay curious and be careful to not jump to conclusions about what has happened or use language such as ‘they are both as bad as each other’.

Consequences

Typically, the abuser will respond to any attempts by the victim/survivor to break the rules, with consequences. Consequences may include threats to hurt the victim/survivor, their children or family, humiliating the victim/survivor or actual violence.

Often the threat of violence is enough to frighten the victim/survivor, and in relationships where coercive control is present, there may never be any physical violence.

The DASH risk assessment tool is for all practitioners working with victims of domestic abuse, including stalking, harassment and honour-based violence.

When someone is experiencing domestic abuse, it’s vital to make an accurate and fast assessment of the danger they’re in, so they can get the right help as quickly as possible. The DASH is a tried and tested way to understand a person’s risk. The questions are based on extensive research of domestic abuse.

Who can use the DASH

The DASH risk assessment can be used for all intimate partner relationships, including LGBT+ relationships. It is intended for practitioners – both specialist domestic abuse workers and other practitioners working for universal services. It aims to provide a uniform understanding of risk across services.

How it works

The simple series of questions makes it easy to work out the risk someone is facing, and what they might need to become safe. A high score means the victim/survivor is at high risk of murder and/or serious harm and needs urgent help. A referral to The Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conference (MARAC) should be made when a victim/survivor is high risk of domestic abuse.

• DASH Risk Assessment
• MARAC Referral Form

Children and young people living with domestic abuse in the home respond to their circumstances in many ways. They may feel frightened, insecure and confused. Often, they learn to keep their feelings and fears to themselves – they may feel like the domestic abuse in their home life must be kept secret.

Children often worry about the non-abusing parent and don’t want to leave them. Children may learn to become people pleasers to avoid upsetting a controlling or abusive parent or they may learn from and repeat the behaviours that they see from the abusive parent.

With support, children and young people can begin to cope with and make sense of what has happened in their family. They can overcome the trauma of witnessing or experiencing violence and control and go on to live safe, happy lives.

Harbour is an independent registered charity and Durham County Council’s commissioned specialist domestic abuse service. Their children and young people’s team can work with young people who are victims of domestic abuse. Make a referral.

In young children, we may see:

• increased bed-wetting
• increased sensitivity and crying
• difficulty sleeping or falling asleep
• separation anxiety

For school aged children, we may see: 

• difficulties concentrating in school
• lower grades in school
• missing school
• feeling guilty and to blame for the abuse happening to them
• getting into trouble more often
• physical signs such as headaches and stomach aches
• repeating behaviours seen at home
• perfectionism
• people pleasing

For teenagers we may see the above and:

• fighting with family members
• low self-esteem
• using drugs or alcohol to cope with their feelings
• spending more time away from home
• trauma that shows up as anxiety, depression, self-harm or eating disorders

If practitioners notice these signs and impact, it is important to be curious with children and young people about what life is like at home and to speak to the people who know the children best, such as parents and other practitioners, to check out any worries with them.

Many children develop resilience to the abuse. Practitioners should be careful to not confuse resilience with lack of seriousness or impact for the child or young person, even if this isn’t immediately obvious.

The physical, psychological and emotional effects of domestic abuse on children can be severe and long-lasting. Some children may become withdrawn and find it difficult to communicate. Others may repeat behaviours they have witnessed at home. All children living with abuse are under stress.

Durham County Council is working with police, Harbour Support Services and schools to improve the support for children affected by domestic abuse. Children and young people who experience abuse and violence at home often arrive for classes the next day upset and unprepared and teachers may be unaware of what has happened.

We aim to work more closely to better share information, making sure that a key adult at school is made aware early enough to provide the help the child or young person may need.

Schools will receive information before the start of the next school day when:

• police have attended a domestic abuse incident
• a child of school age is at home at the time of the incident, either in the same or a separate room
• the incident has been assessed as high or medium risk

See the Operation Encompass website for more information. Operation Encompass does not replace existing safeguarding procedures - it is designed to support them.

Young people under the age of 16 are not covered by the statutory definition, but we know that they experience domestic abuse in their own intimate relationships and this needs to be taken seriously. Young people are more likely than adult victims to still be in their abusive relationship at the point they access support.

Harbour is an independent registered charity and Durham County Council’s commissioned specialist domestic abuse service. Their children and young people’s team can work with young people who are experiencing and using abuse and/or violence in their relationships. Find out how to make a referral via the following link: Make a referral.

The statutory guidance that accompanies the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 gives further suggestions and sets out expectations for those working with young people who are experiencing domestic abuse in their own relationships. Education is key to addressing this issue and learning about healthy relationships and is now a statutory requirement in schools. If you are interested in finding out more, go to Gov.uk: Relationships and sex education (RSE) and health education.

Children and adolescents causing harm towards parents, carers and family members is a serious issue and evidence suggests it is increasing. Research shows that about 20% of teenagers cause harm to their parents and about 10% seriously so. The issue is often hidden as it is common for parents and young people to feel shame about this behaviour. Many parents are scared that their child will get into trouble with the police or be removed from the family. This means many CAPVA incidents go unreported.

There is currently no legal definition of child and/or adolescent to parent violence and abuse, so in 2021, Durham adopted the following definition:

“A Child or young person aged between 8 and 18, that is displaying behaviours which could cause harm. This includes abusive or violent behaviour towards people close to them, particularly their parents or carers. This abuse may be physical, verbal, financial, coercive or emotional and may include behaviours such as hitting, making threats, scaring them into doing or not doing things, or causing damage in the home.”

The abuse and/or violence can be carried out by sons and daughters against mums, dads, grandparents, brothers, sisters and carers. Most CAPVA involves teenage boys and their mums, and it is most likely to be physical violence.

It can be hard to find ways to keep everyone safe, including the child or young person whose behaviour is posing a risk. It can be difficult to know how to make things better.

Getting help

The Respect Young People’s Programme (RYPP) is a well evidenced programme designed to address CAPVA. A range of practitioners in Durham have been trained in the approach.

More information about CAPVA can be found on the Respect website at Respect: CAPVA.

If you are working with a family where CAPVA is a worry then you can request support for the child and family:

1. Contact the Early Help Triage Workers for advice and information about services and support for children and families available in the community on 03000 267979 (listen to the options and select ‘Early Help’).
2. Complete the online Early Help Support Request Form.

It’s not inevitable that domestic abuse will start or get worse during pregnancy however we know that pregnancy is a time of increased risk. Some factors that can increase risk include:

• A history of abusive behaviour in the relationship
• Heightened stress. Stress can affect mental health and whilst it is never an excuse it can make abusive behaviour worse
• The person causing harm may feel threatened by the changes that a new baby brings and try to exert more control over their partner
• The person causing harm may feel jealous of the attention that the unborn baby is receiving, leading to more abusive behaviour.

Impact on the baby

When mums are stressed or traumatised, unborn babies can be affected by increased stress hormones which can affect their brain development. As the child grows, this may lead to difficulties concentrating, managing their emotions and remembering information.

The stress and trauma from domestic abuse may lead to an early birth or lower birth weight, which can affect the baby’s health and development

Once born, babies may be hard to settle, with an increased risk of colic. This can make it harder for parents to get into a routine with their baby.

Pregnancy can also be an exciting time and lead to greater motivation to make changes. For more information about domestic abuse in pregnancy and services that can help, please see For Baby's Sake Why is Domestic Abuse so Prevalent During Pregnancy

Victims of domestic abuse should have access to high quality, safe places to live that meets their needs.

For more information about housing options for victim/survivors of domestic abuse, please see the council’s Safe accommodation for people affected by domestic abuse page.

Domestic abuse is a crisis that affects us all, and it has devastating impacts. A woman is killed by her male partner or former partner every four days in the UK (Women’s Aid).

There are many myths around domestic abuse and its causes. Practitioners need to challenge misconceptions that can be a barrier to effectively supporting victim/survivors, children and families.

Common Myths about domestic abuse

Below are some common myths about domestic abuse, with tips to support practice.

Myth 1: Domestic abuse is always physical

Reality:
Domestic abuse includes emotional abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse and coercive control. Many survivors experience long-term trauma from non-physical forms of abuse.

Practitioner tip:
Use trauma-informed approaches and screening tools such as the DASH that explore a range of abusive behaviours, not just physical violence.

Myth 2: It only happens in certain communities or social classes

Reality:
Domestic abuse occurs across all cultures, religions, social classes and sexual orientations. However, prejudice and disadvantage due to factors such as racism, classism, sexism etc can interact with each other and make it harder to identify victims or provide support that meets their needs.

Practitioner tip:
Avoid assumptions based on background. Be curious, ask questions and consider wider issues that could be interacting with each other and increase the impact of the abuse.

Myth 3: If it was that bad, they would leave

Reality:
Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for a survivor. Barriers include fear, financial dependence, having children together, immigration status, and emotional manipulation.

Practitioner tip:
Support survivors without judgment. Focus on safety planning and empowerment, not pressure to leave.

Myth 4: Women are equally as abusive as men

Reality:
Men can and do experience domestic abuse, though they may face additional stigma which may affect reporting. However, women are more likely to be victims than men, they are more likely to be subject to different types of abuse and be more seriously hurt than men.

Practitioner tip:
Listen to all survivors' experiences and offer support. Remember that domestic abuse against women is a gendered crime that is rooted in inequality between women and men.

Myth 5: Children are not affected if they don’t witness the abuse directly

Reality:
Children living in abusive homes are impacted emotionally, developmentally, and physically—even if they don’t see the abuse. The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises that children are victims of domestic abuse if they are related to or have a parental relationship to the adult victim or person who causes harm.

Practitioner tip:
Always consider the impact on children and offer them direct support, for example speaking to a trusted adult, counselling, or specialist support such as Harbour. Consider the Threshold document and make a referral to First Contact where you have concerns about a child being at risk of harm.

Myth 6: Alcohol and drugs make abusers more violent

Reality: Alcohol and drugs can make existing abuse worse or be trigger, but they do not cause domestic abuse. Many people use alcohol or drugs and do not abuse their partner. The person causing harm is responsible for their actions.

Practitioner tip: Avoid language that links the cause of domestic abuse to drug or alcohol use. Consider wider factors such as inequality, sexism, jealousy, and entitlement in relationships.

Myth 7: Those who abuse are mentally unwell

Reality: There is no research to support this myth. Abuse and violence are a choice. Domestic abuse happens throughout every level of society, regardless of health, wealth or status.

Practitioner tip: Explore and challenge abusive behaviour using resources such as the Duluth Power and Control wheel.

Myth 8: It’s a private matter and not a professional concern

Reality:
Domestic abuse is a public health and safeguarding issue. When we describe domestic abuse as a ‘private family matter’ we condone it and permit it. All practitioners have a duty to keep victim/survivors, including children, safe and well.

Practitioner tip:
Support victim/survivors to speak up about their abuse and act on what they tell you. Work together with partners and refer to specialist services such as Harbour when needed.

For more information on myths about domestic abuse, see Women’s Aid Myths about domestic abuse.

Language shapes how we understand and respond to domestic abuse. The words practitioners use, whether in conversation, written records or assessments have the power to ‘shift or shatter’ relationships.

Victim blaming language

Victim blaming occurs when someone experiencing abuse is held solely or partly responsible for the harm caused to them. This can be explicit (e.g. ‘why don’t you leave?’) or subtle (e.g. ‘they’re both as bad as each other’). It often reflects unconscious biases rooted in misogyny.

Examples of victim blaming language

The following are some typical examples of victim blaming language when domestic abuse is present.

‘She chose to stay’ – this implies choice when fear or control may be present

‘She doesn’t prioritise the children’ – this places the responsibility on the victim for keeping the children safe and meeting all their needs rather than holding the abuser accountable

‘She let keeps letting him back in the home’ – this fails to consider any consequences for the victim or the children if she says ‘no’

‘Domestic abuse between…’ – this suggests equal responsibility for the abuse rather than holding the person who causes harm accountable

Trauma informed alternatives

Use terms like ‘subjected to’ rather than ‘between’ or ‘experienced’ to highlight the actions of the abuser and the impact.

Check with victims and survivors how they wish to be referred to in written records and reports, for example ‘victim’, ‘survivor’ or something else.

Frame risk and harm around the actions of the abuser, not the choices of the victim or survivor.

Why it matters

Improves relationships: victims and survivors are more likely to speak out and seek help when they feel listened to rather than judged.

Supports justice: language recorded in case files can influence court outcomes. Blaming language may be used to discredit victims or survivors.

Reduces trauma: Victims and survivors often already blame themselves and they will have heard this from their abuser. Professional language that victim blames can re-traumatise.

Remember, the person who causes harm is always responsible for the abuse. Changing our language helps shift the focus from the victim or survivor’s actions to the abuser’s behaviour. It is a vital step towards building trusting relationships and creating safety.

Practitioners working with families where domestic abuse is a concern often struggle to work with those who cause harm. This may be because:

• they lack the confidence and skills
• they are fearful of the abuser’s behaviour
• the abuser doesn’t wish to work with services

Facing up to abusive behaviour can be one of the most difficult things a person does. It can also be one of the best. People may blame their partner, or alcohol or financial problems but know, deep down, this is something that needs to stop.

Tips for working with those who cause harm

Engagement and behaviour change

Encourage those who cause harm to reflect on their behaviour, increase empathy and motivation, for example:

• what are their best hopes for their relationship?
• what are their best hopes for the children?
• how does their behaviour fit with these best hopes?
• how might their relationships get better if they were to change their behaviour?

This approach can help motivate abusers to get more help. Specialist programmes to address abusive behaviour, such as the Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Programme are offered by Harbour.

Trauma informed and abuse-informed approach

Recognise that those who cause harm may have experienced trauma. Acknowledge any trauma but focus on the harm caused to victims and the impact of this.

Avoid re-traumatising victims or survivors by partnering with them, offering support and hold the person causing harm accountable for their behaviour.

Multi-agency work

Work alongside and share information with partners such as police, children’s services, health, education and specialist domestic abuse services.

Stay curious, especially around coercive control. Ask the question – ‘what would happen if…’, for example ‘what would happen if you tried to see your friends?’

This can help to identify consequences for the victim if they break a ‘rule’ the abuser has for them in a controlling relationship.

Managing risk

Create safety plans with the victim or survivor that doesn’t place all the responsibility on them for keeping children safe, for example by involving their family network and other practitioners.

Be curious with the abuser about who the people are in their life that want them to succeed and be the best person, parent or partner they can be. Involve these people in safety planning wherever possible.

Use police powers, court orders and injunctions to manage risk and keep victims safe.

There are a range of multi-agency approaches to protect victims of domestic abuse (MARAC) and target abusers to reduce the harm they cause (MATAC and MAPPA).

More information about these forums:

Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conference (MARAC)

MARAC provides a consistent approach to support victims of domestic abuse who are identified as being at risk of serious harm using the DASH Risk Assessment.

It puts in place various plans and actions to increase the safety and wellbeing of the victim/survivor and their children. The MARAC process works alongside existing child protection procedures.

• MARAC Procedures
• MARAC Referral Form

Multi Agency Tasking and Coordination (MATAC)

MATAC (Multi-agency Tasking and Coordination) is a scheme aimed at reducing the pattern of domestic abuse among the most recent, frequent and harmful people who cause harm. Those who cause harm are carefully selected from police records and are offered the opportunity to work with Police and other agencies to reduce their offending behaviour. There is also the provision of support to victims.

Multi Agency Public Protection Arrangements (MAPPA)

MAPPA is the set of arrangements through which the Police, Probation and Prison Services work together with other agencies to manage the risks posed by violent, abusive and sexual offenders living in the community, to protect the public.

MAPPA is not a statutory body but is a means by which agencies can work together to establish the risk of harm offenders pose to the public and develop risk management plans to reduce the risk. All agencies involved retain their full statutory responsibilities and duties.

The MAPPA website provides practitioners and the public with information on how sexual and violent offenders are managed in the community.

‘Thresholding’ is the process where the Lead Agency decides what level an offender should be managed at, by considering the various requirements for management at each level as well as offender risk and need. This is available as a presentation.

Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme also known as Clare’s Law was introduced in 2014 and aims to give the police and other partners recognised and consistent procedures for sharing information with a person at risk in relation to their partner or ex-partners abusive past.

The scheme has been developed to have two strands: the right to know and the right to ask.

Right to know – any practitioner can apply for information to be shared if they believe someone may be at risk.

Right to ask – a person in a relationship can find out information regarding their partners history with regards to domestic abuse. Another person can apply if they have concerns, for example a parent, brother, sister, friend or neighbour.

If Police checks show that the individual has a record of abuse or may otherwise pose a risk of harm, the police can consider sharing this information with the person who may be at risk.

To make an application under Claire’s law, please visit Durham Police Claire's Law

This is an emergency notice issued by the police to protect someone who may be at risk of domestic abuse. It is a temporary measure that gives the victim immediate safety, even if there isn’t enough evidence to charge the abuser straight away.

A DVPN can be used when there are no other enforceable restrictions in place e.g. court orders, bail conditions.

A DVPN is valid for 48 hours and victim’s do not need to consent. It is a civil order therefore victims and/or witnesses do not have to go to court to give evidence. This is done by the police. Breaching a DVPN is an arrestable offence.

What does a DVPN do?

• It requires the person causing harm to leave the home they share with the victim.
• It stops them from contacting the victim for up to 48 hours.
• It gives the victim time and space to think about their options and get support.

To access domestic abuse training please visit our training page.

• Are you a child or young person affected by abuse? (myharbour.org.uk)
• Domestic Abuse Practice Checklist
• DASH Risk Assessment
• County Durham Children and Families Practice Toolkit
• Durham County Council – Support for children affected by domestic abuse
• Women’s Aid – How can I help my children?
• Refuge – Helping children cope with abuse
• Understanding the Duluth Power and Control Wheel